I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
