I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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