I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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