so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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