overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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