get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
