I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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