I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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