mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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