where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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