Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He felt like a one man threesome
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
