my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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