I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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