This is not my ceiling
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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