I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
