respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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