my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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