Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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