I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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