I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
