We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
