My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize