Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
