My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
