Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
