closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
