I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
