Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize