if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
