I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
