just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
