this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize