Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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