I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
