I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
