Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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