I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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