Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
