he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
