dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
