I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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