I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
