i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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