Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
