Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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