Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
