hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
