is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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