My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
