I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Randomize
