he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
