Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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