You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
