Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
