just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
