I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Randomize
