THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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