we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
