I just saw a hot homeless man
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
